Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
You Might Also Like
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic