Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
How is it still this week?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.