*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout