*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Every time my phone rings
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine