Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again