CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
oh u like history? name everything that happened
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom