“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
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How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.