Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: