Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”