At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Every work call, he judges.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.