A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.