Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
smartest karate player in the world
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…