Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Mornin
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u