Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.