CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Favourite diary entry ever
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy