@fightforfood: Contrary to obvious physics, you can't attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
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@HatfieldAnne: A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that's not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
@kchees: All the single ladies put your hands up! *handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff* I'm your only option now.
@briangaar: [checks facebook] I don't remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
@samalmightysam: -Knock Knock! -Who is it? -The love of your life. - :) Really? -Hahahaha no, it's the pizza you ordered.