I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN