@mattr_in_nc: Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
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@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
@Kobykincaid: One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
@CodyJP9412: Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
@jesse_street: MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number. ME: *thinks for a bit* …k MAGICIAN: That is a letter. ME: omg ur right