What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
why am I working on Labor Day
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
nobody’s gonna understand
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.