H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar