Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I love wikipedia
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.