Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.