Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sing it!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.