Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I only treason on days ending in y
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
From my Mom