Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
What’s so funny?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.