Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My first child will be named New Folder.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby