[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: