Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
You Might Also Like
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne