*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Gods work.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”