Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
He’s cranky this morning
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
How did we not see this back then?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.