Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive