Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”