“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
good work, everybody
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.