Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
getting corrected
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate