Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
What the hell happened here.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
don’t be scared
Human are so complicated