Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.