Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.