Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Mornin
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
…..pretty much.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.