Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math