Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
True freaking story!
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
when dads have a rap battle
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.