*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
What
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.