Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house