Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
You Might Also Like
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.