Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping