cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion