Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash