[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.