“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.