Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months