My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
another case of gang violins
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.