COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3